How do you capture someone’s life in less than 60 minutes at their funeral?
Short answer? You don’t. But still, the question haunts me.
One of the greatest honors that I am bestowed as pastor is to be present with families when a loved one dies. I can freely testify that God’s love, God’s strength, and God’s peace are felt at these most-important moments. The ground is transformed into Holy Ground, and it is a privilege to bear witness to a person’s entry into life eternal.
A different kind of energy, however, is required in the coming hours and days. We all know this. Unlike other ceremonies and services, funeral arrangements require swift attention. Although the bereaved have often had the chance to get some rest in the hours since their loved one’s death, there is still the unmistakable air of disbelief in the looks of those who meet with me to discuss the funeral.
At these times, we need help and assistance to make the necessary arrangements for family travel realities, visitation, the funeral service, burial possibilities, etc. Some have reflected that the business of death is helpful; one can focus on the logistics and delay the inevitable tidal wave of grief.
“I know that daddy would have wanted this hymn sung at his funeral,” one bereaved child once mentioned to me when we were planning his funeral service.
Her mother, however, snapped to attention at the suggestion: “I don’t like that song. I’ve never liked that song.” There was a moment of awkward silence. “But I think you’re right. He would have liked that song to be played.” Resolution and disappointment clouded her face.
I couldn’t help but to speak up and to give some perspective at this difficult moment.
“Actually, the funeral is not for the one who died. The funeral is for you, the family and your friends. The service is a time for you to grieve and to be comforted in the solidarity of your church family. You may choose whatever you may wish to help you memorialize your husband's life. But you should consider a song that would be meaningful for you.”
When I was in seminary, I took a class where I was directed to write my own funeral. Interestingly, I was also working on the service for my Ordination to the Gospel Ministry at the same time. One of my friends remarked, “Aren’t they one and the same?”
It’s a good exercise to write your own funeral, and I can certainly commend that experience to you. And yet, you probably shouldn’t take it too seriously. Why? The funeral service is for the living, not the dead.
The purpose of a Christian funeral is to give thanks for God’s presence in a life that we held dear. It is a time of bearing witness to someone’s life. But the funeral is also a time of remembrance of Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection, as that gives us assurance and hope in the reality of the deceased’s journey into eternal life.
The funeral cannot bear the weight or responsibility of capturing the power and significance of a person’s life. Yes, we will remind the congregation of your birth, your vocation, the facts and figures of your life’s journey. There will probably be some music played or sung. And yes, we will reflect on how your story and God’s story intersect. We will most definitely pray for your friends and loved ones, and we will seek comfort in scripture passages that you held dearly.
But that moment does not belong to you. It belongs to the survivors, to the congregation, to friends and family, and to us.
The funeral service that I wrote for myself is my own assessment of my life. The truth is, however, that the life that I choose to live is the only testimony I’ll ever really have. Our lives and how we choose to live them are our real legacy; our true last will and testament.
So, if we find ourselves anxious about what will be said at our funeral and wish to script it out in the framework of our own choosing, we’d best remember this: It’s our life, our love, our sacrifice, our service, our actions and decisions that really matter.
And once you live your life, you entrust it to others.
Focus on your life now. Be grateful for the gift of life! Let someone else worry about your funeral service. Trust me. If you live your life faithfully and well, your funeral will write itself.